(no subject)

 I broke up with Nick, although it's like we broke up together.  He says he's not "in love" and I really think he's just convinced himself that because of the distance.  He's still attracted to me.  He still loves me.  And he pretty much said that he just doesn't WANT to change his mind.  I tried to get him to come up last night after work (please don't hate me Dani), but he wouldn't.  I asked if he wanted me to just give up, and if it would make him happy.  He said he thinks so.  He really doesn't know what he's doing or why he's doing it and it's driving me CRAZY because I know if we could just talk in person things would be ok.  I hate this.  I hate me for trying so hard.  I hate that he changed his Myspace name to Shit Head.  I wish he would just come to see me.  I wish the distance didn't make things so awful.  I wish he'd change his mind.  I hate that I would forgive him.  I hate that I am so pathetic and desperate.  I drank one glass of OJ and two glasses of milk yesterday because I just couldn't eat.  I hate that.  Why is he fucking everything up for no reason!? 
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    Placebo-Special K

Too long Clanky!

I think I need to use this a lot more.  

I went to school today (was sick the last few days) and it was lame, naturally.  I freakin' hate school and can't wait to move back to San Diego and go to SDSU!  I  miss all of my friends, and Nick especially.

Speaking of Nick, the bc makes me nauseous!  I take it at night, but since I wake up all the time I'm feeling too sick to fall back asleep.  I guess it's totally worth it though--condoms really suck!  I'm so excited for him to come see me in 2 weeks!  I totally need a job so I can spend money on train tickets to see him.  I can't wait to spend the night at his new place!

Living with my sis in Long Beach is rad though, just wish I didn't have to go to school.  It's fun always hanging out with her and Ian.

I love meddling in Dani and Matt's love life!  Aaah it's so cute and exciting, I love you guys.

It's almost been 8 months for Nick and me--how cute!  

I want to work at Gladstone's.

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    Flight of the Conchords

(no subject)

This weekend has such a mess.

Friday: Came home from school unexplainably depressed.  Went to the optometrist.  The woman looked at me and said "Marissa."  I stared blankly at her, not paying attention, completely in my own stupor when auntie yelled at me to answer her.  I didn't realize she was asking me my name, because she didn't fucking ask me.  She said someone else's name, which caught me off gaurd, since I was about to cry.  Auntie asked what was wrong, and I shook my head.  "Tell me what's wrong." -head shake- "ANSWER ME NOW."  I said I had a bad day and school, and instead of trying to act like nothing happened, I cried.  I fucking cried right in the store.  My doctor called me and I cried as I walked in his office, and as he gave me my exam.  He asked how I was and I said good.

Left the mall.  Auntie said, "I'd like to go out to dinner, but I don't want to go if you're not going to act like a person and not talk to me or be happy."  I said I wanted to go home.  "I know you had a bad day at school, but that's no reason to act like this."  Meaning, no matter what happened today it doesn't matter because you're feelings are inferior and you shouldn't show them; meaning, fucking pretend to be happy I don't care what happened to you; meaning, it doesn't matter.  Uncle asked her where she'd like to go.  "Well I'd like to go to the Cheesecake Factory since we're here, but we have to take her home now..."  Meaning, we have to go out of our way becuase I can't just leave her along and let her be sad; meaning, I'm upset that she won't act normal and I want to be aware of that; meaning, I'm a fucking cunt and don't realize how much of an impact my hurtful words are having on her.  I cried all the way home.

I called Nick, or he called me.  I explained what happened and he wanted to slit her cunty throat for making me cry.  I wasn't just crying, I was sobbing--violently.  He called her while they were at dinner and asked if I could go to his house to hang out (I was not about to speak to her).  She said yes.  He came and got me, although he's ridiculously ill, and we watched Seven Years in Tibet and My Sassy Girl.  It was our 100 days, and we both forgot.  His parents and grandma were nice to us as we spooned on the couch.  I felt relieved from the auntie situation, but wanted to cry because he was so sick.  He felt so hot, but kept shivering.  I couldn't do anything and I felt so helpless.  

He drove me home even though he could barely stand up.  I wanted to cry so bad, but he had asked me not to, so I didn't.  My stomach was clenched so tight.  I don't know why--wasn't cramps.  I got home and fell asleep immediately.

All day yesterday was insane.  He couldn't explain what was happening and again I felt helpless.  I didn't understand; I was freaking out.  Terrified.  He was cranky because of  being sick.  I told him my most traumatic moment.  Towards the end of the night he was acting more like his usual self.  Called me at 12:40 and we talked until 2:00.  I wanted to cry so mcuh because of his parents.  It was a good conversation.  I like those ones.



She keeps calling me a great writer.  "You are such a great writer!"  "Your writing is perfect for what they want in college!"  "You have such strong writing skills!"  

But put more words on your paper, "It's a psychological thing." 

I wrote 2.5 pages this time (the most I've ever done) and she still gave me a 7.  "Almost an 8."

Out of buh-letion, comes new life.

I deleted JulieJellie and One_Said_Fire.  Isaynaturally feels more like home.  Even though I said I wouldn't make a new one, I did!  And this time it's going to be great--I can feel it.  I've missed TQC and Found Photos!

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    Spaceballs Theme (stuck in my head!)
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